Spring City Conquistadors

The current Conquistadors logo.

A professional baseball team based in southern Spring City. For the vast majority of their history, they have been widely regarded as the worst sports team in South Island, and maybe the world. They rank lowest in all-time wins, lowest in fan attendance, lowest in TV viewers, and lowest in pretty much everything else one can think of. There are television documentaries devoted solely to how terrible they've been in the past. Vehemently jealous of their obnoxious, successful, popular cross-town rivals, the Spring City Sox. Their official mascot is the universally-reviled Conqueror Cortes, who tends to taunt both the opposing team and his own, before being assaulted by inebriated fans. Notable team rituals include this and the obligatory game disruption by Ronnie Choo-Choo, an old homeless man who periodically manages to somehow get onto the field and then races around the basepaths yelling "choo-choo."

In recent times the team has shown striking improvement in playing ability and has come to be regarded by other teams in the league (such as the Sox, as well as other teams, the Starlight City Twinkles and the Gigalopolis Giants) as contenders. The most notable players on the team are second baseman Velo the Basilisk Lizard and ace pitcher Fireball the Flamingo. Other players of note include outfielder Rodriguez the Jaguar (a journeyman of the league famous for being so superstitious he talks to baseballs and sleeps in bed with his bat), first baseman Poke the Penguin (perhaps good for getting hit by the ball and getting on base that way, if nothing else), catcher Easy the Weasel (usually found at the bar section of the Kangaroo Yum-Yum Spot after a game), and Lefty the Blue Jay (you don't want to know why they call him Lefty). Also notable is recent addition Tricky the Tapir, famous for being a tapir and also for insisting the Sox-Conquistadors rivalry is much more interesting than it actually is.

Until recently, the team owner was Marge the Possum, who is cheap, obnoxious, overbearing, bigoted, drunk, and absolutely clueless about the game of baseball. A nutty old battleaxe who makes more money each day than most South Islanders can imagine, she seemed completely uninterested in helping her team get out of the gutter. She was utterly despised by the entire Conquistadors roster for treating them like penniless idiots and also paying them like such. The team was recently bought out by entrepreneur/self-described future president Nigel Cash, who at least has spent a fraction more on the organization than Marge ever did. Various mugshots of Marge continue to inhabit the urinals in the team's locker room, as does one of Cash ever since he tried to "teach" Fireball the Flamingo the correct way of throwing a fastball.

The Conquistadors recently moved into a new stadium in favor of their former home, the bland, aged, boring, falling-apart Nigel Thaddeus K. R. C. Cash Stadium (formerly known as Conqueror Stadium). The new ballpark, Nigel Thaddeus K. R. C. Cash Stadium--yes, that's right--is easily Cash's most significant contribution to the team, nestled comfortably by the bay in southern Spring City. It has all the makings of an advanced ballpark--excellent spectator views, luxury suites (all but one of which are reserved for Cash, of course), even a retractable roof to protect against rain. It should be noted, however, that two games into its first season, a wayward fighter jet suffering an engine failure crashed into the roof, so it's broken. It was also realized there's still a hill in right field. (On a happy note, however, the pilot ejected safely and landed on the field during a game, where he was checked for injury by Velo the Basilisk Lizard, whose idea of a medical examination is giving someone an autograph.)