"Here, do this training module. There's like a million of them so get used to it."
"Fab."
1) A security officer's number one priorities are:
A: Safety & awareness
B: Donuts
C: Re-enacting every scene from Terminator 2
D: Feeding the sharks in the fountain
"Are... they all this easy?"
"Yeah."
"And there's like a million of them?"
"Yeah."
"Fab."


"These pants are kind of tight. Ow. My hips. Do we have any looser ones?"
"Nope."
(by the end of the week)
"UNGH GOD MY HIPS ARE ABLAZE WITH THE FURY OF HELL'S MUSIC."


"We're standing here doing nothing while the supervisor talks to these guys with a camera. Okay. That girl over there is looking at me and she seems to be laughing. Why is she laughing? Do I laugh back? Did I do something funny? I don't look like Paul Blart that much, do I?"


"Here, Russ, right this down."
"Sure. Uh you look vaguely familiar."
"Well, in addition to being a supervisor here, I'm also a teacher."
"What do you teach?"
"Middle school P.E."
" http://myfacewhen.com/images/163.jpg "


"HEY."
"Yes ma'am."
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE THINKING BUT YOU KNOW THE RULES SHOULD APPLY TO EVERYONE NOT JUST ME AND MY CHILD. YOU GUYS SHOULDN'T SINGLE PEOPLE OUT."
"Ma'am I don't have any idea what you're--"
"WHY DID YOU KICK MY CHILD OUT OF THE PLAY AREA?"
"Well, from what the other officers said, you weren't with him in the area, and all parents need to be with their children in there. Secondly he's too big--"
"WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT?"
"On that very large sign there with the turtle on it."
"WHERE."
"Right there, in the front. The highest point on the red part is the maximum height allowed--"
"WELL WE DIDN'T SEE IT."
"Okay, well, instead of letting your child jump the wall at the back, you should always go into it from the front--"
"I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR."
"You already did."
"WELL I WANT TO TALK TO HIS SUPERVISOR. I WANT TO TALK TO MALL MANAGEMENT."
"You'll have to come back on Monday since he's out until--"
"OKAY BELIEVE ME I AM COMING BACK ON MONDAY. MY HUSBAND WAS A COLONEL FOR THIRTY YEARS AND I CAN TELL WHEN SOMETHING ISN'T BEING DONE RIGHT."
"(That's a long time to be a colonel.)"
"WHAT?"
"You're more than welcome to come back on Monday, ma'am."


"Okay time to clock out. ... Huh?"
"Hey man there's a kid over here who's all by himself."
"Okay. Guess I'd better tell Marc. One-oh-eight to one-uhhhhh$%@& what was his number one-fifteen one-twelve uh fsdklftakingupradiotimeuhhhj one-oh-six."
"..."
"*sees Marc, waves, gets nothing, starts walking toward him* One-oh-eight, one-oh-six do you copy?"
"......."
"*almost there* ONE-OH-EIGHT TO ONE-OH- *Marc sees me* -six."
"*right there, giggling into his mic* Go ahead."
"... Disregard."